I was thinking about my sexual experiences. I'm not terribly sexual, and I've had sexual experiences with 6 people, all men, and only one of those experiences was enjoyable for me. 4 of my sexual experiences happened before I was in high school, before I was 13, and they continue to shape me today.
I should also make a point that I never felt violated or abused, maybe I should have in a few cases, but I didn't at the time.
I was planning on including all of my sexual experiences, but just my first one was very long, so I may hold off and do the others later. I might not do them at all, but I definitely needed to get this out, and I always somehow manage to talk myself out of getting out thoughts once I've had them.
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When I was 6 or 7, my mother gave my brother and I the "no-no" zones talk. She said we were old enough to wash ourselves, so noone could touch us in these places, not even mom and dad. Our crotches were no-no zones, and for me, so was my chest. I think this lecture roughly coincided with me having to wear clothes around the house, rather than being able to run around in my panties, so I was annoyed, and the discussion was boring, anyway. I don't know if she meant to expand on the discussion later and forgot, or if that was all she planned.
When I was 8, there was a family who lived down the street from me. We saw a lot of them because their house was right next to the bus stop, and the mother had apparently babysat my brother and I when we were younger. I don't remember that bit. I do remember they had an obnoxious number of kids, like 5 or 7, most or all boys. My brother was friends with some of them, I was indifferent.
Now, my parents left for work before my brother and I got up, and we came home before they got home from work. We weren't allowed to be out of the house when they weren't around, and I would frequently forget my house key inside, especially when it was approaching summer and our house would get hot and stuffy, because we weren't allowed to open the windows, either. In hindsight, I probably just wanted an hour or so outside, free of parental supervision, and was just fooling myself. I never intentionally left my key at home, but.
On one particular day where we were locked out, one of the older boys from the house down the street, Evan, called out to me. He was 11 at the time, and he was usually mean enough to me that I had no great love for him. But he gestured me down the street, and I had nothing better to do, so I went. Rather than wanting me to come in the front door, he wanted me to come through the back gate into the backyard.
Now, their backyard was sorely neglected, with plants of all kinds growing up over the fence, so it was kinda gross, but I was curious. Evan asked me if I wanted to go down to the basement with him. My answer was no, and I remember wondering why I would want to go down there. My house had a basement, it wasn't interesting, and I couldn't see how his could be interesting.
I know we had small conversation for a bit, where he tried to convince me his basement was cooler than the hot outside, maybe had a place to sit, something along those lines. Then he stepped forward and kissed my cheek. In that moment, I don't know how I knew, but I knew he wanted to do something sexual with me, and I didn't know what he wanted.
I had no idea if I could give him what he wanted, but I knew I didn't have long before my mom came home, so I wouldn't really have time to find out. I also knew that if I was in the basement with him when mom came home, I would get in trouble for not being near the house. I can't remember if I was scared at all, but I know that everything froze and shifted for me. I remember thinking that this meant he liked me, and wondering why he'd been so mean to me if he liked me.
More than that, I knew this was going to have something to do with my no-no zones, which I knew was a bad thing, but I didn't know why it was a bad thing, just that it was, and I still didn't know what he wanted. So I started asking him questions. What if your mom comes down to do laundry? She won't. What if your other siblings come down. Daniel will watch out.
Now, his younger brother, Daniel, had been prowling around the yard most of the time Evan and I had been talking, interjecting annoying things, but not really part of the conversation. At some point during the conversation, he had gotten up on the roof and began throwing roof tiles at us while we were talking. I remember being annoyed, but keeping an eye on him and the tiles he was throwing. I think I got closer to the house so that there was less chance of him hitting me. This was who Evan was saying would be the lookout.
I knew Evan wanted something from me, but I also knew that I didn't know enough to know if I could give it to him. So I kept stalling, with his brother throwing roofing tiles at us. Even to this day, not knowing stuff scares me, because I never want to be in another situation where I'm being asked for something I don't know enough to know if I could provide.
I was running out of ways to refuse Evan's invitation when I heard my mother's voice, calling out to me from down the street. I told Evan my mother was home, and I ran past him, out of his backyard and down the street. I have never run so fast before in my life.
When I got home, I was embarrassed and ashamed. I didn't get in trouble for not being near the house, but I felt like I couldn't tell my mother what had happened. I felt like I had done something wrong, and I didn't want her to tell me what I'd done wrong. I didn't want her to know I'd done anything wrong.
I didn't even understand what had happened, and I was sure I'd somehow get in trouble if I did tell her. I just didn't know enough to know if it was worth telling or not, and there was no need, in my mind, to bring her attention back to the fact that I'd been down the street when I should have been at home.
I told my father about it when I was 11, and I didn't tell my mother until I was 15. I only told my father because I had somehow managed to come to the conclusion that I hadn't done anything wrong with Evan. That was a hard-won conclusion, though.
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