The one where I whine a lot

I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but I am currently living with my aunt.  She is not my aunt by blood, she is chosen family, and she is white.  As I'm sure you can understand, this has made things complicated, because she has a variety of issues that aren't mine to share, but she is prone to shouting when she's upset, which distresses me, because yelling distresses me.

She makes me anxious, but I keep wanting her to be loving and supportive towards me, and even if she wants to, and she does, she is not mentally capable of offering me the emotional support I need, even though she is very generous about financial support, I've been living in her home rent-free for several months.

Now, I've known about some of her issues since before moving in, and others I learned after, but I will admit that I have fallen prey to dismissing a lot of her stuff, making her the bad guy in my personal narrative, just because I feel like I have no power over my life, and at least if I know who the enemy is, I have that much more control.  It's not right of me, and it's not fair, but that's what I've been doing.

Recently, I've been hearing more about issues that pertain to my aunt, but not me, and it makes me uncomfortable.  It frustrates me and it angers me and I wish it weren't so.  Because if I think of my aunt as human, I can't think of her as the bad guy anymore.  And if she's not the bad guy, does that mean I am?

Obviously, I know that there aren't really people who are purely bad or purely good and I have privileges just as she does, but I knew it academically before, in my head knowledge.  Now it's emotional knowledge that I really don't want to have.  The old adage of ignorance is bliss really holds true.

I have to reassess my perception of myself and my privilege as it pertains to her and to other people.  I just have to keep in mind that I am responsible for growing, noone is responsible for making me feel comfortable in my privilege.

So the long and short of this post is "I don't WANNA!"  With a temper tantrum for good measure.  As long as I do it anyway, I can pout in my head and just a little on my blog, I think.

Be Better

So, there's a new discussion coming up in the asexual community, one that says that the typical asexual refrain of "I don't have any physical issues that interfere with having sex, I haven't been abused, I'm not mentally ill, and I don't think sex is gross" is problematic.

This is completely true.

As someone who can say the above line, I naturally missed how problematic it was, but the fact is that some asexual-spectrum people are mentally ill, or have physical problems that get in the way of sex, or have been abused, or are sex-repulsed.

Asexual-spectrum people are people.  Some people are mentally ill, or have physical issues, or have been abused, or think sex is a whole lot of nothing they ever want any part of.  And some people who fall into any of those categories are asexual.

Asexual-spectrum folks who can say "I don't have any physical issues that interfere with having sex, I haven't been abused, I'm not mentally ill, and I don't think sex is gross," we have a duty to asexuals who can't say that.  We can not throw them under the bus so people don't think we're weird or broken, because they deserve to not feel weird or broken as much as we do.

To that end, I've made an action plan.  I might have to change it, because it could be problematic, but until I hear otherwise, if someone asks if there's something physically wrong with me, or if I've been abused, am I mentally ill or why do I think sex is gross, then what I'm going to say is, "The answer to that question does not change the fact that I am asexual, no matter how much you want it to, and frankly, if you don't already know the answer to the question, there is a reason."

The long and short of it is that noone is ace-spectrum "for a reason," just as noone is any other sexuality for a reason.  Which means that none of the cases we're refuting can invalidate someone's asexuality or demisexuality or gray-asexuality.  You cannot claim something caused a sexuality, it's a fucking moldy walnut thing to try and do, and anyone trying to do it is a moldy fucking walnut.

Additionally, it's not your goddamned business what people are going through.  If they have a medical condition, if sex grosses them out, if they're mentally ill, or have been physically or sexually abused, that is for them to know, and that is for them to say, or not say at their own fucking discretion.  They don't need to prove themselves to anyone, not allosexuals, not other asexuals, not anyone, and if they're gonna tell you this kind of shit, it's going to be because they want you to know.

And if you're using that kind of shit to invalidate their sexuality, then I say you sure as hell don't deserve to know, but that's just me.

Ace-spectrum folks who can say "I don't have any physical issues that interfere with having sex, I haven't been abused, I'm not mentally ill, and I don't think sex is gross," it's time to pull up your big kid underwear and step the fuck up.  Do not be like the cishet guy who throws a temper tantrum because he can't fuck a lesbian.

Just avoiding saying problematic shit is not enough, we've created a hostile environment, we have to take steps to create a safer one.  Call each other out.  Call yourself out.  Remember that life experiences do not invalidate sexuality.