Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Alone

Spinning sparkling
Diving, writhing
Life exists and moves and breathes
And you
Little speck
Careless on the breeze
You are fearsome and feared
Passionate and impassioned
The world over
And completely alone
Not the lonely of one who yearns
Not the fearful of the one who burns
Not the safe, sad, pitying alone
But the true alone
Powerful
Fearsome
A unit unto yourself
Cut off from the rest
Dependent as necessary
But with no illusions of being part of a greater whole
For what is the greater whole
But a messy mass of
Sadness
Fear
Desperation
Anxiety
And all the things
That cling to one another
In the desperate darkness
At the end of the universe?

Monday, October 27, 2014

Commissions Are Open!

I'm opening up writing commissions.  It's basically going to be like art commissions, you pay me for what you want, I write something, and then I give it to you.  With your permission, I might also post it around, but that's up to you.

*~*~*

For $5, I will write you a haiku or a limerick with one word from you to define the content, anything from love, trees, and life, to Sherlock, Godoka, and Sourin:

Haiku
Five, seven, and five
This is what makes a haiku
Nothing more or less

Limerick
The syllables in this poem don't matter
Put in as many as you'd like to splatter
Voltaire used this format I think
For a rhyme I'll add in a sink
And examples do it no justice

*~*~*

For $10, I'll write you a short poem on the topic of your choice.

Example Here

And again, it can be about something abstract like love, social justicey, or it can be fandom stuff, too.

*~*~*

For $25, you'll get a longer story-style poem, or a ficlet.  Your poem can be fandom-related, and your ficlet can be a non-fandom piece, if you want.

Poem Example Here

Ficlet Example Here

*~*~*

Finally, for $50, you'll get a more in-depth story, with actual plot and direction, and it can be fandom or original, SFW, NSFW, whatever you like.

Fandom Example

Original Example

*~*~*

So, if you'd like to commission a piece from me, please email me at PFGurl4Life2005@yahoo.com, and we can get started

Friday, October 24, 2014

Champion 2

Previous Chapter

*~*~*~*

Maya swung her arm hard, catching her opponent in the chest and throwing the girl flat on her back, the dull thunk of her helmet hitting the hard-packed dirt floor barely audible over the clatter of weaponry against armor, the shouts and cries of battle and pain that always filled the training grounds this time of day.  That was the third time today, and it wasn't yet midday.

"Leticia!  What have I told you?"

Leticia slowly levered herself into a sitting position, her voice strained as she dutifully recited, "Watch both arms, pay attention, do not underestimate your opponent."  Leticia paused to wheeze for breath, then got to her feet before miserably adding, "But the air is so thick, I'm having trouble breathing!"

"You think it won't be this thick in battle?  This is what Hileans are good at, what they excel at--they summon so much energy that anyone but them chokes on it.  You will be a follower of Jettas, if you finish your training!  You will be at the head, the front of the battle, and it will be thicker and deeper than this, do you hear me, Leticia?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Maya could see the way Leticia's mouth twisted under her helmet, though not the bulk of her face, and she understood the girl's ire, remembered her own teacher yelling the same things at her while she wore the same expression, but that did not make it any less true.

Disciples of the High Lady, Hileans, had access to a great deal more magic than disciples of any of the four sisters, and almost more than disciples of the Low Lady, Loliens, and while there was much Hileans could not do with their powers, overwhelming others was something they could do.

Unfortunately for Maya, Leticia was right.  The air was very thick, and she knew why.  The Royal Hiliens were preparing for some ritual, had been for days, and midday was a very auspicious time for the spell to begin.  The disciples-in-training were all sluggish from the heaviness of the air, though they gamely attempted to continue.

Maya sheathed her sword and gave Leticia's shoulder a rough clap, "Round up the little ones, and get them some water."  Leticia ducked her head and ran off, while Maya raised her voice to be heard above the din, "Everyone stop what you're doing!  Cheryl, I mean you, too!"

Cheryl lifted her helmet to give Maya a cheeky grin, and didn't even have the good grace to wilt in defeat when Maya glared at her.  Maya shook her head at Cheryl and took off her helmet, tipping her head back as ropes of vividly blue hair fell into her face.  Stupid long hair.  She used her helmet to gesture the other women closer, and they followed Maya's example, removing their own helmets, and trying to avoid creaking or clanking too much as they moved.

"Alright, as I'm sure you all have noticed, the royal Hileans are doing some ritual, and I'm sure a few of you have even heard rumors of what it's supposed to do."  A few women nodded, some looked sheepish or giggled to each other before being hastily shushed by their comrades as Maya continued.  "I was going to keep you all going until the spell's climax, but even I have to confess there is a lot of energy in the air, and for the most part, you all have been doing well.  So you've got the afternoon off."

That prompted an immediate cheer, a rolling rumble of chit-chatty voices, and Maya waited for the excitement to die down before she continued, "I won't say that you must go to the ritual, but I will say that I strongly advise it.  Though the magic makes it difficult to breathe, it is actually quite beneficial, and additionally, there is power and value in knowing how those of other faiths perform their spells, understand?"

There was a generalized mumble of assent, and Maya sent everyone off with another wave of her helmet.  Once she was sure Leticia had the younger girls hydrated, she followed the other recruits to the armory, discarding her armor and weaponry in a small bubble of relative silence.  She pretended to not notice.

As a disciple of Jettas, Maya held a heavy burden.  Jettas was the lady of death, of course, and justice as well, so Maya was authorized to kill, as necessary, and an arbiter of justice.  But more importantly, Jettas was the lady of truth, honesty.  As her disciple, not only was Maya forbidden from lying, she was obligated to confront any lie she heard, even one said in jest.  She was allowed leeway for confrontation, as her own conscience allowed.  But Maya's conscience only allowed her to know three lies before she was forced to confront the liars, or confess her reasoning for not confronting them to Jettas, and risk losing her status as a disciple.

Maya finished changing out of her armor and looped her sword belt over her shoulder, then took her bubble of silence out of the armory and into the palace halls.  The funny thing about lying, Maya reflected, was that a person had to know they were doing it to get caught out.  If someone knew they were lying, it polluted their auras in ways only disciples of Jettas could see.  Being wrong wasn't the same, and that was what tripped people up around her.

Maya carried her bubble of silence into the medical wing.  She certainly intended to attend the Hilean ceremony, but first, she had to find her housemate.  Lillian was her housemate and best friend, and had been for many years.  As a follower of Clio, Lillian should have been amongst those tending secular and religious magical accidents, and certain non-magical accidents as well.  "Should have been" being the operative words.

Maya made a quick search of the medical wing, carefully avoiding masked disciples of Clio, because if they were sick, it was something that Maya very definitely didn't want to catch.  Unfortunately, there was no sign of Lillian, and the patients were beginning to get antsy and anxious from Maya's presence.  Maya moved into the medical lab, which was off the medical wing, in hopes of finding Lillian there.

When Maya entered the medical lab, she found a young disciple mixing a beaker of something purple and something green.  At the sight of Maya, she fumbled the beaker of muddy liquid that was the result, before dropping it on the floor, swearing as it shattered.  Everything the liquid touched began to grow flowers, including the disciple's hand.  Maya decided to end her search of the lab there and beat a hasty retreat.

Fortunately, she was able to find the head disciple, Denice, who was instructing a disciple-in-training over a wriggling patient's rash, "Uh...Denice?"

"What broke in the lab?"

"Just a beaker, but it's growing flowers."

Denice heaved a sigh and sent off the young woman she was speaking with, "Probably Shannon again.  Lilly said she thought there was an abnormal number of religious accidents, and last I heard, she was headed to the library."

Maya gave a sheepish laugh, embarrassed to be so transparent that Denice didn't even bother to ask her purpose.  Well, it wasn't like Maya was hurt very often, even as a trainer of recruits, and the only people who ever had any business in a medical lab were disciples of Clio, and the occasional disciple of Yorn, so it made sense that Maya would be searching for Lillian, whose skills were best displayed in the lab.

"Thank you, Denice.  Do you think Shannon will be able to recover from that spell?"

"Based on what I saw her doing, she should be able to.  It might require a bit of secular magic, but I've been telling her that spell's not going to work the way she wants it to for a month, and she has persisted, regardless.  It was bound to happen, eventually."  Maya nodded and made to head off, but was stopped by Denice, "Are you taking Lilly to the ritual?"

"I was planning to."

"Well, tell her I said to take notes for the rest of us."

Maya could almost hear Lillian's frustrated groan.  Though Denice's directive meant that Lillian was free to go, disciple's of Clio tended the injured and ill, which meant they always needed to know exactly what looked like what, what smelled like what, and Maya had seen three-page reports written on a bruise.  The ritual would surely fill a book, but she couldn't help but grin, appreciatively ducking her head, "Thank you, Denice."

Denice made a shooing gesture before heading towards the lab, while Maya left the medical wing to head for the royal library, where Lillian was bound to be.  It was her favorite place to be, anyway, after the medical lab.  She really should have been one of Yorn's disciples, but she had her reasons for choosing Clio.

*~*~*~*

Next Chapter

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Wingless

I love myself

The curl of my hair and the curve of my jowls

I love myself

The flap of my arms and the bulge of my belly

I love myself

The round of my hips and the thick of my thighs

I love myself

The color of my skin and the heft of my ass

I love myself

And that is revolutionary

Incendiary

Caring

Apocathery

Turning lead into gold

Has nothing on turning

Hatred to love

Ridicule to rejoycing

Countless messages

Be thin

Be professional

Hate what you are

It's uncouth

Unclean

Unworthy

You further me

With your hatred

I have one hater today

I need five tomorrow

And I have so many

But I'm strong like that

I spit back the koolaid

Not everyone can

It's difficult

It's terrifying

It's a step out into an unseen void with no net below you

It's forgetting you have wings because everyone has magic you don't

And then you step off the ledge

Plunge into the unknown

Someone screams at you to flap

And you do

You have wings

Wings amongst the wingless

Who have magic that propels them

And they miss the hidden places

Noone screams at them to flap

And you learn how to flap

How to ride the wind

Watching those winged ones

Because what do the wingless know of updrafts and gliding?

Nothing.

And the strain is hard

Your muscles doing unfamiliar work

But it gets easier

When you see aerial acrobatics

Pirouettes and dives

And the wingless could do it

They have magic

It could work

But it is nothing like the exhilaration

Of catching the wind at the last moment

Of using your body to soar higher and farther

And the risk is greater

If your body fails you

You've nothing left

But there are hidden nets

Hidden places

Where somebody bumping along

Because their wings are exhausted and their mind is frayed

Those hidden places are refuge

And in the refuge

The winged gather.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Be Better

So, there's a new discussion coming up in the asexual community, one that says that the typical asexual refrain of "I don't have any physical issues that interfere with having sex, I haven't been abused, I'm not mentally ill, and I don't think sex is gross" is problematic.

This is completely true.

As someone who can say the above line, I naturally missed how problematic it was, but the fact is that some asexual-spectrum people are mentally ill, or have physical problems that get in the way of sex, or have been abused, or are sex-repulsed.

Asexual-spectrum people are people.  Some people are mentally ill, or have physical issues, or have been abused, or think sex is a whole lot of nothing they ever want any part of.  And some people who fall into any of those categories are asexual.

Asexual-spectrum folks who can say "I don't have any physical issues that interfere with having sex, I haven't been abused, I'm not mentally ill, and I don't think sex is gross," we have a duty to asexuals who can't say that.  We can not throw them under the bus so people don't think we're weird or broken, because they deserve to not feel weird or broken as much as we do.

To that end, I've made an action plan.  I might have to change it, because it could be problematic, but until I hear otherwise, if someone asks if there's something physically wrong with me, or if I've been abused, am I mentally ill or why do I think sex is gross, then what I'm going to say is, "The answer to that question does not change the fact that I am asexual, no matter how much you want it to, and frankly, if you don't already know the answer to the question, there is a reason."

The long and short of it is that noone is ace-spectrum "for a reason," just as noone is any other sexuality for a reason.  Which means that none of the cases we're refuting can invalidate someone's asexuality or demisexuality or gray-asexuality.  You cannot claim something caused a sexuality, it's a fucking moldy walnut thing to try and do, and anyone trying to do it is a moldy fucking walnut.

Additionally, it's not your goddamned business what people are going through.  If they have a medical condition, if sex grosses them out, if they're mentally ill, or have been physically or sexually abused, that is for them to know, and that is for them to say, or not say at their own fucking discretion.  They don't need to prove themselves to anyone, not allosexuals, not other asexuals, not anyone, and if they're gonna tell you this kind of shit, it's going to be because they want you to know.

And if you're using that kind of shit to invalidate their sexuality, then I say you sure as hell don't deserve to know, but that's just me.

Ace-spectrum folks who can say "I don't have any physical issues that interfere with having sex, I haven't been abused, I'm not mentally ill, and I don't think sex is gross," it's time to pull up your big kid underwear and step the fuck up.  Do not be like the cishet guy who throws a temper tantrum because he can't fuck a lesbian.

Just avoiding saying problematic shit is not enough, we've created a hostile environment, we have to take steps to create a safer one.  Call each other out.  Call yourself out.  Remember that life experiences do not invalidate sexuality.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Champion

Sorry for the lack of poetry this week, as well as the late story, but in exchange for your patience, I give you the first chapter in a new novel I am writing.  Enjoy!

*~*~*~*~*

"Dylan, you're home!"

Dylan's landlord was an older woman, white, a bit scrawny, with a scratchy kind of high-pitched voice.  Dylan had really been hoping to avoid her, but she was sweeping up dead leaves out front, and the only approach to to the house from the bus stop was visible from where she was.  Dylan couldn't, in good conscience, just walk by without responding to her.  "Yeah, I'm just getting back from work."

It was fall, but the day had been hot, and Dylan's backpack was heavy, digging into their shoulders and making Dylan's back sweat.  "I was just raking some leaves," replied the landlord, rather unnecessarily, "Doing some chores around the house."

"Oh.  That's good."

"Yeah, I've been raking leaves and I mowed the lawn earlier, my back is killing me."

"I can see how that could be a pain."  The lawn was huge, wrapping around the already-large house and extending back quite a ways.  Dylan sure as hell didn't want to do it, but that was why Dylan was renting, rather than owning their own home.  Also it was cheaper, but that was beside the point.

"Yeah, I've still got to get the gutters, all these leaves have probably clogged that up, it's gonna be a real hassle to clean up."

She paused for a moment, not quite looking at Dylan, and not quite not looking at Dylan while they struggled to find an answer.  Dylan had never cleaned gutters, and wasn't sure why the landlady was talking about it.  Maybe she was trying for sympathy?  Or just trying to connect?  Dylan had had a long, trying day at work and just couldn't muster up much emotional anything.

"I'm sorry to hear that.  I hope it goes well.  I'm...gonna head on inside."  Dylan slowly took first one, then another step towards the front door, not wanting to be rude, but more than ready to be done with this conversation.

The landlady lifted her hand in farewell, "You have a good evening."

"You, too."

Dylan went inside, where they breathed a sigh of relief.  That was over.  And noone was in the kitchen, which meant Dylan didn't have to try awkwardly navigating around other renters to do things in the tiny space.

Dylan washed the day's lunch dishes, prepared breakfast and lunch for the next day, then sat down to eat a dinner of cheese, sweet bread, and mango, with seasoned microwave beef strips from a bag, because that was what Dylan had been craving for dinner when they went shopping for the week.  It was all delicious and quite filling, and that was really all that mattered, even if, while cutting the mango, Dylan couldn't help thinking about how sharp the knife was, how quickly it would stab through flesh, how the blood wouldn't be too difficult to clean from the tile.  Then the microwave beeped, and Dylan retrieved the beef strips, so that dinner would be complete.

Dylan was just discarding their trash when another renter came into the kitchen.  The fisherman.  He was nice, and he was willing to let there be silence, which Dylan appreciated.  Dylan gave the man a nod of acknowledgement, receiving one in return as the pair traded places in the kitchen, Dylan leaving, and the man entering.

A quick trip down the stairs later and it was shower time.  Dylan showered, briefly used the swiffers to clean the shower and the rest of the bathroom, wiped down the sink real quick, washed their hands and retreated to their bedroom, still completely nude, and grateful, not for the first time, that they had a private bathroom across from the bedroom, even if it was the size of a closet, and awkward for Dylan's bulky figure to maneuver around in.

Done with the annoying parts of the return home, Dylan took a few minutes to masturbate, as a personal reward for showering and cleaning the bathroom, which they'd planned to do every day, and thus far, had managed.  Once done with that, Dylan decided a little shuteye before hopping online would be nice, and after setting the alarm timer to half an hour, so the short nap didn't turn into sleeping all night, Dylan closed their eyes, took deep breaths, and intentionally relaxed, allowing themselves to fall into a meditative state.

There were women.  Two of them in front.  Four in back.  All of them glowing in different colors.  Just out of earshot of Dylan.

The women in front looked human.  Both were round and soft, one with brown skin with red undertones, the other a much darker, truer brown, not quite model-black, but close.  The lighter woman glowed a sunny yellow and, combined with her huge, gorgeous afro, seemed to have a halo.  The darker woman glowed blue and had long locs pulled up into an elaborate style, whispering with her companion.  From the way they kept looking over, it was clear they were discussing Dylan.

Behind them was a huge woman who appeared to be made of grey boulders, a full, green bush with far-reaching roots serving as her hair.  Though she was about the same shape as the more human women in front, she was scaled about twice as large, and rather resembled a mobile mountain.  She was hunched over in deference to the black hand on her shoulder, the red glow surrounding it pushing oddly at the green glow surrounding her.

The bald woman whom the red glow surrounded wasn't model-black, but a true, light-sucking black, with the notable exception of her bone-white pubes and eyebrows.  Whatever she was saying to the rock woman, it had her full attention, because she didn't seem to notice the excited-looking little woman who was crawling her way up the rock woman's other side.

The climber had bronze-brown skin with glitter under it, glowing purple on top of it, her half-braided, half pressed hair tripping her up as she climbed.  When she reached the rock woman's head and startled the bald woman, her long hair was used to pull her, prompting her to scramble behind the meager defense the fourth woman offered.

The last woman looked like a life-sized painting, cut out of the frame, glowing white and almost human-looking, like the others.  She had a frizzy ponytail, smoothed down around the edges by smears of dried paint, and she moved like a stopmotion film, in awkward starts and stops.  When the glitter-skinned woman hid behind her, she spread her arms wide, even as she disapprovingly glared over her shoulder, while the rock woman gently held back the enraged bald one.

Dylan decided this was probably the most interesting thing they'd seen in months, and stepped forward, with the intent to engage the foreign women in conversation.  They ran into what felt like syrup, catching the attention of the woman glowing yellow, whose head popped up in alarm as she waved an arm at Dylan, urging Dylan back.  But it was already too late, and the women disappeared before Dylan could retreat.  There was a distant yellow light, however, illuminating the surrounding darkness, and the sound of voices, raised in either song or prayer.

The light washed out everything, the only thing that Dylan could see, so Dylan continued walking forward.  The voices resolved themselves into chanting that grew louder the closer Dylan got, the light resolving itself into a doorway, or perhaps a window, too bright to see beyond, and a few inches off the ground.  A tentative hand through the center of the light met with no resistance, though as Dylan extended more of their arm through, the chanting faltered, causing the light to dim.

Dylan sharply withdrew their arm, not wanting to lose it if the window suddenly closed, but the chanting picked up again, and the light brightened.  Dylan tried to step up on the bottom edge of the window of light, as if it were a true step.  It wobbled precariously, so Dylan grabbed the edges to keep it from falling.  Once Dylan was certain it wasn't going anywhere, they poked their foot out, finding solid ground on the other side, at about the same level as it was on Dylan's side, and quickly stepped through.

Dylan turned out to be climbing out of a mirror into the center of a circle of women wearing matching yellow robes.  All of the robed women glowed lemony yellow, with the exception of the gray-haired older woman facing the mirror, whose yellow glow was tinted black close to her skin.  She looked stunned at the sight of Dylan coming out of her mirror, completely nude, and she paused for a long moment before suddenly turning, thrusting her arms into the air with a triumphant cry.

"The champion has arrived!"

A roaring cheer rose up around them, and Dylan suddenly realized that the circle of women surrounding the mirror was, in turn, surrounded by an enormous stadium full of people.  Dylan wasn't sure if this was an elaborate dream, or hallucinations caused by bad...something, but as Dylan looked around, they realized that maybe this hadn't been the best idea they'd ever had.

Next Chapter

Monday, October 13, 2014

Not Gonna Wreck Anything

So, I recently had a realization, one my aunt helped me to, even though she was upset and less trying to help me and more trying to have me stop hurting her, but still.  I had a realization, and I learned something about myself that I didn't realize.

My aunt told me that it seemed to her like I was just doing the bare minimum to not get kicked out, as I am living with her for free, on her and my uncle's generosity.  My first thought when she said that was, "Well, yeah," and my second thought was, "Wait, I can't say that, or she'll really think I'm using her."

It is not my intent to use her, because I don't like using people.  It's cruel and unfair.  I realized that I do simply do the bare minimum to exist, and then I stop.  I'll do what I need to in order to maintain that bare minimum, but I won't actively try to make anything more than that happen.

It's not that I don't know there is more to life than merely existing, because I do, I really, really do, but I have never known, never had the thought, that I can work to make my life BETTER.  Not just livable, but BETTER.  I don't know where I got the idea, where it came from, but there has always been something in the back of my head, telling me that if I do enough to subsist, if I have enough to survive, then the rest will be given to me for doing what I'm doing as hard as I can.

So I do whatever I'm doing as hard as I can, and nothing more.  It never even occurs to me that I CAN do more, that I should go out and find more, because surely my efforts will be recognized if I exist and don't do terrible for long enough, right?

I will confess that it's always been hard for me to do more than one thing in a day, it's something I've known about myself, but it never occurred to me that that was a microcosm of the way I think, "I am doing this right now.  I can't ALSO do that.  I just have to do this, and then I'll wait for the rewards to come to me."

When I was thinking about this, before I put it down as text, I was thinking it was a beaten-down thing, fat, woman, black, something like that.  But now that I'm typing it out, seeing my thoughts on the page, it is probably an entitlement thing, a class thing, maybe internalized classism, but definitely entitlement.

Now that I know I think this way, I can combat it, I can begin taking more and better steps towards having the life I want.

Long story short, if you are subsisting, with food more often than not, and shelter that's good enough, and bills mostly paid, you don't have to ONLY do that.  So if you aren't content with where you live, looking at other places won't make the place you already live any less of a place you are.  If you aren't content with your job, looking into what would make you hireable at a job you want, and honing those skills, won't mean you'll lose your current job.

I know there's not much energy to spare for extra stuff at the end of a long day of work, especially if you take the bus and/or walk, and everything that's not relaxation is frustrating and undesirable to deal with, but it won't wreck what you're already doing if you look at something else, it won't take away from what you're already doing.

I didn't know that before, so I'm sharing it with you.