Feelers

I think it's been a bit since I've just sort of told you what's going on with me and my life.  Part of the reason for that is that I feel like this blog should be my super serious, super professional place to Do Stuff, and that's not even what I wanted this to be.

I mean, yes, I do want this blog to be known and respected, but I want it to be known and respected for everything that it is, everything that I am, and I am so much.  Besides anxious and incapable of putting forth a full, dedicated effort for fear of failing and falling and looking foolish, I am a writer, a poet, I am so much and so many things.

Today, I am afraid.

This is really not a surprise, I have anxiety, I don't sleep or eat well, so that exacerbates my anxiety, and my aunt is prone to yelling when stressed, which, naturally, helps nothing.

I have to admit that I'm afraid of putting in effort, like really and truly trying to make things work, because what if I try and try and try some more, and I still can't do it?  What if I do it, but badly, and everyone laughs at me and judges me?

I don't fucking know.

What I do know is that I have a job, a way to be gainfully employed, even though it's over the internet, and that terrifies me beyond all reason.  What if I don't make enough money? What if I get stuck writing terrible articles about things I don't care about or even hate for the rest of my life?

So basically, the usual things I always get bogged down in when I've been awake too long or had too little to eat.

There is candy in the house, I can earn money, my phone bill is paid for at least another month, I know how much it'll cost to repair my laptop, I know how to find out how much I'll have to pay in taxes for what I'll be earning, my commission post has been redone and is queued, I know how the Champion series is going, and there is c h o c o l a t e in the house.

I need to take two deep breaths and go.  The fuck.  To sleep.

On an unrelated note, earlier, I was feeling really crummy, and I remembered something I read in a Christian book, one of the few Christian books I ever read, but it's called the Shack, and there's one scene where the main character is talking to a representation of an aspect of God, and she tells him something to the effect of, "If you knew you had to fail 99 times before you succeeded, wouldn't you be excited to fail the 90th time?"

I don't remember what his answer was, but I remember that he generally agreed with her.  I told you that to tell you that earlier, when I was feeling shitty, I reminded myself that I didn't know how many times I had to fail before I could succeed, so I just had to keep trucking.

Also, my aunt got really upset today when she was cooking for a going-away party for a friend, because the sauce she was making came out catastrophically wrong in ways it usually never does, and she's prone to running around and yelling when she's upset, but I was really proud of myself, because rather than also freaking out, or freezing when she got upset, I was able to stay centered and mostly calm, so I'm really proud of myself for that!

This post sort of ended in a completely different place than it began, but that's probably because I took a bit to finish working through my panic before continuing, so that may contribute.  I don't know if this is going to be one of my best posts, but it's real and it's me, and I said I was going to make a mistake, so I'm going to make it hard.

Alone

Spinning sparkling

Diving, writhing

Life exists and moves and breathes

And you

Little speck

Careless on the breeze

You are fearsome and feared

Passionate and impassioned

The world over

And completely alone

Not the lonely of one who yearns

Not the fearful of the one who burns

Not the safe, sad, pitying alone

But the true alone

Powerful

Fearsome

A unit unto yourself

Cut off from the rest

Dependent as necessary

But with no illusions of being part of a greater whole

For what is the greater whole

But a messy mass of

Sadness

Fear

Desperation

Anxiety

And all the things

That cling to one another

In the desperate darkness

At the end of the universe?

For Once

So, I was talking to a friend of mine last week.  Without going into too much detail, he's in a living situation that is very much not ideal for him or his personality type, in addition to the fact that he's been dealing with some emotional issues for the last few years that have contributed to everything being truly untenable for him.

Over the last few months, he and I have been talking a lot about him, his life, his goals, and he's gotten started doing a lot of things he's really happy about, kind of moving forward, into a new stage of himself and his life, and overall, I'm really really proud of him, how much he's progressed towards his own goals, and how much he's grown.

Unfortunately for him, when he began living with the people he's staying with, he was very damaged, mentally and emotionally, and he needed a safe haven.  He's grown past that point, but because they first met him when he was that way, they're stuck in old patterns of dealing with him, and he doesn't really know how to break free from those old patterns, especially because there was a change in the living situation that made him think the relations would change in a certain way, and it really didn't, so it's upset him, and he's a bit bitter about it, which I understand.

He's been staying with these people for something like ten years, which is shocking to me, because the only people I've lived with for ten years were my parents and my brother, and my parents are seven years dead, while my brother and I haven't seen each other in three or four years, because I was a jackass at him and now he doesn't want to talk to me.  His perogative.

Either way, my friend has known and been around these people for years, and he needs a change.

The reason I'm talking about my friend, is because he's planning on moving out, moving on, and I would really like to move in with these people when he does.  I stayed with them for maybe two weeks, earlier this summer, he reports that I have gotten rave reviews, and to be completely honest, I really enjoyed being there, and I was shocked at how different the household was from what my friend had been reporting to me.

That'll teach me to forget people have personal biases.

But either way, I really enjoyed being there.  I may have gotten special treatment, being a guest and all, but what I experienced may have been roughly the norm for how they handled things.  I don't know, really.  It didn't hurt at all that I had my own money at the time, which my friend doesn't, and which I won't, if I go back to them.

There were two things I didn't like about being there, one of which is fixable, the other ignorable.  But it really brought home to me how different my friend and I are, because everything he hates about being there, I really loved.

I love being coddled and invited to things and doted on, and that kind of thing drives him bonkers.  I also have different ways of dealing and interacting with people that he doesn't have.  They're a bit more difficult for him to deal with than for me, but also, he's been living with them for years.  There's history there that I don't have.

Currently, I'm staying with my aunt and uncle.  I love them, they are chosen family who have chosen me back, and I wouldn't be who I am today without them.  Even so, they are not coddlers.  They are not doting.  They aren't particularly attentive, and I'm the only one in their house who needs them like I do.

They're a bit harder-edged, and I certainly needed that when I was younger and stupider, but I have been working and struggling and toiling so hard for so long, I feel like it'd be really nice to be with someone who would dote on me and take care of me, not pressure me about work or making money, just let me do my own thing, but still engage me socially, invite me to do things, all that kind of thing.

God, even talking about it makes me feel spoiled rotten and selfish.

But when I was there, I did feel spoiled and cared for.  I didn't feel like I was being selfish or taking advantage of them, because every time I tried to be frugal, the lady of the house would keep asking me, "Are you sure you don't want more?"  Like, fuck yes, of course I want more, but this is on your dime, so I'm not going to accept more, because I'm perfectly ok with what I've got, and more would be gluttony and selfishness.

I always feel like I'm taking advantage of my aunt and uncle when I ask them for things or need things.  It might be because I'm emotionally attached to them, or because when I first knew them, they were direly poor, and it was an issue, I don't know, I just know that I do feel like I'm taking advantage, and I feel anxious and afraid, because I need things, and you said I'm allowed to want things, so why are you yelling at me or making cruel jokes that I know you don't mean to be cruel, but still feel cruel, and it's just.  A lot.

I do love my aunt and uncle, and I would never abandon them, because they've helped me so much, and I do love them dearly, but much like my friend needs to get out of his house, I need to get out of this one, and I would like to go somewhere where I'd feel like I was being doted on and cared for.

Everyone grows up and moves on, and things are so difficult, and I think it's not so wrong to want it to be easy.  For once.

Make A Mistake

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." - Tony Robbins

For a long time, I've procrastinated about doing what I wanted, asking for what I needed and so much more. I'm not sure why I did that to myself.  Anxiety was a large part of it, certainly, but also thinking I just needed to do more, be better, do it "right."

But I've decided that I don't care anymore.  More than that, I've decided that doing things the "right" way hasn't helped me, isn't working for me, and I am miserable, lonely, and more anxious than ever.  So if this is a mistake, this post, this blog, I'm going to lean into that, do it wrong, and do it wrong a new way every time.  Eventually, I will do it wrong for long enough that I will run out of ways to do it wrong, and the only way left will be to do it right.

Maybe I will never run out of mistakes to make.  Maybe I won't be able to do it wrong a different way, and I'll just keep making the mistakes I have always made.  I have anxiety, so those are terrifying thoughts, and it will probably never not be terrifying, but at least I feel like I have control, like I'm in control of myself and the route my life is going to take.

That's important to me.  To everyone, really, though most people don't realize it, because our society is set up to take your control, sap your will, make you obey at every twist and turn, until you can't recognize your will, can't separate it from anyone else's.  And to me, that wouldn't be so bad if people would stop telling me I did actually have control, if they'd stop telling me that me not having control is not only my fault, but also Not True.

We rely on people, whether we want to our not.  Someone has to maintain internet servers, grow and ship the food, butcher the animals, help provide heat and electricity and entertainment.  We are not alone, islands unto ourselves, no matter how nice, and terrifying, that idea would be.  Because on the one hand, I'd like to think I could exist in a vacuum, but on the other, I kill plants and couldn't feed myself without a grocery store.

And I may regret something I've said in the future, some way I've said it, may regret quoting Tony Robbins, or including his name because of whatever horror I don't know he may have wrought, or the context I don't know from whatever that quote comes from, but for now, I am doing the best I can, and anyone who has a problem with it can take their globe-fondling, idiocy-hoarding selves elsewhere.