Make A Mistake

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." - Tony Robbins

For a long time, I've procrastinated about doing what I wanted, asking for what I needed and so much more. I'm not sure why I did that to myself.  Anxiety was a large part of it, certainly, but also thinking I just needed to do more, be better, do it "right."

But I've decided that I don't care anymore.  More than that, I've decided that doing things the "right" way hasn't helped me, isn't working for me, and I am miserable, lonely, and more anxious than ever.  So if this is a mistake, this post, this blog, I'm going to lean into that, do it wrong, and do it wrong a new way every time.  Eventually, I will do it wrong for long enough that I will run out of ways to do it wrong, and the only way left will be to do it right.

Maybe I will never run out of mistakes to make.  Maybe I won't be able to do it wrong a different way, and I'll just keep making the mistakes I have always made.  I have anxiety, so those are terrifying thoughts, and it will probably never not be terrifying, but at least I feel like I have control, like I'm in control of myself and the route my life is going to take.

That's important to me.  To everyone, really, though most people don't realize it, because our society is set up to take your control, sap your will, make you obey at every twist and turn, until you can't recognize your will, can't separate it from anyone else's.  And to me, that wouldn't be so bad if people would stop telling me I did actually have control, if they'd stop telling me that me not having control is not only my fault, but also Not True.

We rely on people, whether we want to our not.  Someone has to maintain internet servers, grow and ship the food, butcher the animals, help provide heat and electricity and entertainment.  We are not alone, islands unto ourselves, no matter how nice, and terrifying, that idea would be.  Because on the one hand, I'd like to think I could exist in a vacuum, but on the other, I kill plants and couldn't feed myself without a grocery store.

And I may regret something I've said in the future, some way I've said it, may regret quoting Tony Robbins, or including his name because of whatever horror I don't know he may have wrought, or the context I don't know from whatever that quote comes from, but for now, I am doing the best I can, and anyone who has a problem with it can take their globe-fondling, idiocy-hoarding selves elsewhere.