Deserving

You know how sometimes you see everything you want, just right there, in front of your face, and find yourself too terrified to reach out and grab it, too scared to go for the brass ring, because what if it wasn't what you expected, what if it wasn't what you wanted after all, or, more terrifyingly, what if you aren't good enough?

That happened to me, like, five seconds before I began writing this post.

One of my favorite blogs on tumblr posted a link to a new blog by the same creators, Mob Material, and it said they were looking for poc writers, artists, punks, trans poc, and more.  I'm a writer, so I saw that, and I said to myself, "I want to do that.  I want to submit to that, I want to be a part of that."

I took a look at the blog, and it was full of pictures of gorgeous and fierce people.  I have to admit that I got a bit intimidated. I definitely consider myself to be a writer, but I just started this blog.  It doesn't even have twenty posts, and it won't for a bit, because I am intentionally pacing myself, trying to avoid burnout by changing up what I do, and trying to make sure I have enough content that things don't get boring or stale, enough content so that people have something of interest to read.

But I don't know if I'm good enough, if I deserve exposure.  In my mind, the people who are good enough and who deserve exposure are the ones with more posts, more work, a bigger audience.  But how am I supposed to get a bigger audience if I don't advertise myself?  There is some small voice inside me that says that work that is good enough will advertise itself, but I've seen, over and over again, that such a thing just isn't true.  Work that is big enough will certainly advertise itself, but I have to do a little, I have to work a little harder to make my dreams come true, that's how this goes.

But that's the thing that always happens, isn't it?  We doubt ourselves.  Am I good enough, do I deserve this?  Women, black people, fat folks, poor ones.  We're so trained, have the lesson so instilled that we have to DESERVE it, have to wait for someone else to come along and help us up, rather than reaching out and saying, "Hey!  You can help me!  Please do."

Who cares if I deserve it?  Even saying that, like I didn't work damned hard to write everything on this blog, like it didn't take all my courage and strength to check and see if I could contribute, is a misnomer.  I do deserve it.  I  have been writing for years, dedicating myself to my craft, to my love, and at the very least, I deserve to try and let THEM tell me no, no more, it's not working.

Because it's not gonna mean anything if I'm not good enough for them right now, you know why?  If I'm not good enough right now, it means there is room for improvement, more work to be done, work that I can do.  I have control over this, over myself, and I can find more people to help me make my work better, stronger, sleeker, more what I want it to be.  And I will try and try, and try again, because eventually, I will find my place.  That's what you do.

Now, I can't deny that this is basically a pep talk for myself.  Since I've gone back to work, such as it is, I haven't been dedicating much energy to my writing, to this writing.  Additionally, I was going to work with a feminist online zine, and it really seems to have just petered out, but I think I'm ok with that.  I got what I needed from it, which was a reflection on my work from outside myself, to make my writing stronger, to help me improve.  Would more time have yielded more gains?  Perhaps.  But that's something we're never really going to know, are we.

More than the fact that I haven't been giving this the necessary energy is the fact that I haven't been giving this the necessary quality.  You may not have even noticed, I scheduled some things to post, which I think was a wise decision on my part, because they were prepared, and I didn't have to worry about it while I worked.  I did a lot of work, and I hurt myself, so I won't do that to myself again, but I think the fact that I can make this, do this now, is really my proof to myself that I'm still dedicated to this, I still want this.

I just have to make time for it, give up some things to do it.  I can still do those things, I just need a few hours to dedicate to this every week.

So, on that note, I apologize to you for slacking off, and I promise to throw myself back in with all the passion I had at the start, because you deserve that, and more importantly, my dreams deserve that.